Echo
by Phiso
Summary: Sometimes, when sitting alone in front of the fire, whispers of the past have a way of coming back to you. Formerly titled "Missing Sirius". REVISED
1. Original 2004

Hey! This is my first time posting something on this site, so I would appreciate a comment.

I got this idea while ago...after mourning Sirius's death, I felt bad for Harry...and when I remembered about Remus, I felt even worse. I hope I did this justice.

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. If I did, let me tell you, you would be afraid. Very afraid. =)

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_C'mon Moony, let's go outside..._

**I can't, it's too soon...**

_What are you talking about? The sun is shining, the birds are singing-_

**That's not it.**

_The moon isn't due for another week._

**Why are you asking me?**

_Because you're my friend._

**But you're gone...**

Remus Lupin drew in a shaky breath. He had to stop these hallucinations, these ersatz conversations he held, reliving his memories...He leaned forward in the leather armchair, closer to the fire in front of him.

He's gone, he's not coming back, you're alone now, he told himself angrily, hitting his forehead lightly with his palm. He's not going to just come up out of thin air and make sure everything is all right again.

Looking up, he stared into the dancing flames, cheerily filling the room with warmth, oblivious to the fact that the man watching them felt as cold as ice.

_I'm hungry, Remus. Want to sneak into Hogsmeade and get us some butterbeer?_

He heard his stomach growl. That wasn't his head talking, it was his hunger. Remus shook his head; he didn't have much of an appetite.

_You've got to eat, you aren't going to heal any faster if you don't._

Remus frowned. What did _he_ know about healing?

_I know it takes time._

Great, now he was answering himself again. Remus leaned back into the chair, sighing. Stop talking to yourself, it isn't healthy. People are going to start thinking that you've finally crossed the line into insanity.

_Took you long enough._

**Shut up, you're crazy enough for the both of us.**

_You know as well as I do that I can't help that._

**Yes you can, you could have done so much to stop-**

_To stop what? The inevitable?_

**YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO BE SO STUPID AS TO DIE!**

Remus let out a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding. Gasping for air, he tried to forget what he almost remembered. He didn't want to remember, he wanted it to go away, to leave him alone...

_I can't leave you Moony, you know that._

**Leave me alone.**

_No, I won't leave you when you need me the most-_

**You left me already.**

Why won't it go away...I'm tired of losing people, of suffering, of grief...He clutched his head, which was beginning to ache and spin. Why couldn't he just accept it?

'Sirius...' he whispered softly.

He hadn't said his name in days, weeks, maybe. He didn't want to remember his friend, to have the pain rush back...

_Why are you crying?_

**Leave me alone.**

_I told you already, I'm not leaving you. Now tell me what's wrong?_

**Let me forget you...**

His throat burned painfully as he tried to swallow the tears, but they kept on coming, streaming down his cheeks. He hadn't felt like this since...

_Since James._

Remus's chest throbbed painfully, each heartbeat worsening the emotional condition he was in. 'I'm alone now, everyone is gone, everything I touch dies...'

_That's not true._

**Look at me! I should be the one dead, not you! Not James! Not Lily!**

_That wasn't your fault, it was-_

**Stop trying to comfort me, I don't deserve it.**

'Why...why can't you let up on me?' he cried softly, speaking to nothing and everything. 'Why must you keep punishing me? I know I'm damned already, you don't have to rub it in.'

_Remus..._

**Why? Why did you have to leave me?**

He let out a choked sob. 'Why did you and James leave me? I'm all alone now, I don't have anyone, my best friends are dead...'

_Moony, we're right here with you. We never left you._

**Yes you did, you're gone, you've gone and killed yourself-**

_Hey, hey, hey! I'm not THAT stupid. I didn't kill myself, I just sort of...fell._

Remus snorted despite his tears. Even in his imagination, Sirius didn't like to admit to his faults.

Wait, what was he saying? Here he was, talking to himself again...Why was he haunting him? Why couldn't he chose to suffer in peace?

_Because I care._

He buried his face in his hands.

'Sirius...' His shoulders shook. 'I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry...'

_Why are you apologizing?_

'I shouldn't have suspected you for so long, I should have known you weren't guilty, I should have tried to help you...'

_Hey, don't beat yourself up about that. We forgave each other a long time ago._

'I should have saved you, jumped in front of that spell, distracted her, pushed you, _something...'_

_That wasn't your fault either; there was nothing you could do._

'I shouldn't have just watched you die...'

Sirius stopped answering him; or rather, the voice in his head claiming to Sirius stopped answering him. He wept, hoping to cleanse his sins with his tears, the tears held in since that fateful day...

After awhile, he stopped, exhausted, drained; Remus took a few cleansing breaths to stop the trembling caused by his cries.

_Feel better?_

**Shut up.**

_Now, now, it takes a big man to cry like that._

**You're just flattered that it was over you.**

_Yea, well..._

Remus smiled a little, imagining the grin threatening to creep across his old friend's face. 'Never one to take a compliment humbly...'

_You just didn't take 'em._

Remus sighed. He had been down here too long; someone would start to worry.

'Lupin!'

_See, I told you you weren't alone._

Remus actually managed a grin. 'You always had to be right...'

_Well yes, I AM Sirius Black, you know._

'Lupin!' Remus recognized the voice; it was Harry.

_Now get out of this room and live your life. I didn't die just so you could sit here pretending to talk to me._

Even his memory scolded him. Remus shook his head, trying to drive the voice out of his head.

'Fine, fine, fine...'

'Lupin?' Harry entered the room, looking rather flustered.

'Yes, Harry?'

'Um...were you, er, talking to someone?' asked Harry, looking around the room.

Remus repressed a groan and instead smiled at the son and godson of his best friends.

'Not anymore...they left already.'

Harry's eyes settled on the fire, and a look of dawning comprehension crossed his face. He turned to Remus. 'Do you want me to leave?'

'No, no...' Remus stood up and crossed the room. 'That's quite all right.' He gave Harry a concerned look. 'Are you all right?'

He looked away, drawing on the floor with his shoe. 'Yea, I just...I mean...'

Remus's face softened. 'Do you want to talk about...?'

'No!' Harry said a little too loudly, looking up, his eyes wide. 'I mean...' He looked back down.

Remus put a hand on the boy's shoulder. 'You miss him, don't you?'

There was a pause, then, 'Yes...'

He kneeled down and looked into Harry's eyes.

'Harry...It's okay to miss him, it's okay to be sad...' He noticed that Harry's shoulders were starting to shake. It pained Remus to see Harry cry over Sirius, but at the same time, it reminded him that he wasn't alone.

'I miss him too,' said Remus in a strangled voice.

Harry looked up, a tear running down his cheek. Without a word, he walked into Remus, enveloping him in a hug.

As Harry cried, Remus suddenly felt better. It meant that despite what he thought, he wasn't the only one hurting, the only one shedding tears for his deceased friend. Harry was about as alone as he was right now, and Remus was sure he needed company as badly as he did.

'If you ever need to talk...' he said softly.

Harry nodded but didn't answer, tightening his grip on Remus's jacket.

When he finally let go, both of them had blood-shot eyes but small smiles.

'Thank you Lupin,' said Harry softy. 'Sirius was really lucky to have a friend like you.'

Remus swallowed the lump in his throat, not knowing what to say as Harry left the room.

_He's right...I was lucky._


	2. Revision 2009

After much debate, I felt I simply HAD to rewrite this; it was almost embarrassing to keep posted. But I also know some people really liked the original. So I'm keeping both up. This is a quick revision completed over the course of a few hours; I hope it's an improvement.

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.:Echo:.

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_C'mon Moony, let's go outside..._

**No.**

_Why are you being such a sourpuss? Come on, let's go!_

**I can't. It - it's too soon...**

_What are you talking about? The sun is shining, the birds are singing-_

**That's not it.**

_The moon isn't due for another week._

**Why are you asking me?**

_Because you're my friend and you entertain me.  
_

**But...**

_But what?_

**You're gone.**

Remus Lupin drew in a shaky breath, closing his eyes as he briefly spread his fingers before tightening his grip on the armrests. He had to stop these hallucinations, these ersatz conversations he held. He was no professional, but even he knew such things were far from being considered normal coping mechanisms.

After a moment, Remus leaned forward in the burgundy leather armchair and closer to the fire in front of him, his movements smooth as he let go of the armrests and rested his elbows on his knees, fingers intertwined loosely as his hands hung suspended in air.

He's gone, he's not coming back, you're alone now, he told himself firmly, golden eyes locked on the logs in the fireplace. He's not going to just come up out of thin air and make everything all right again.

A few moments of silence passed as the tongues of fire danced hypnotically before him, cheerily filling the room with a warmth the man before them couldn't feel. Maybe, maybe if he stared long enough into the fire, he thought irrationally, he could just forget -

_I'm hungry, Remus. Want to sneak into Hogsmeade and get us some butterbeer?_

Remus hung his head and groaned as he heard his stomach growl. That wasn't his head talking, it was his hunger. He shook his head before lifting his gaze back up; despite the hollow, empty feeling in his stomach, he didn't have much of an appetite.

_You've got to eat, you aren't going to feel better any faster if you don't._

Remus snorted despite himself, his thoughts turning spiteful. What did _Sirius_ know about healing and making oneself feel better? Rich words coming from a man – well, memory - who never forgave himself for his own past mistakes.

_I know it takes time._

Great, Remus thought with a sinking heart, now he was answering himself again. Remus leaned back into the chair, sighing. Stop talking to yourself, it isn't healthy. People are going to start thinking that you've finally crossed the line into insanity.

_Took you long enough._

"Shut up," Remus groaned as he pressed his palms into his eyes. Little starts erupted in the darkness and interrupted the blackness.

**You're crazy enough for the both of us.**

_I do try. And in any case, you know there was nothing that could be done about that anyway, we've discussed this already._

**Bullocks, you could have done so much to stop -**

_What? To stop what, Remus? The inevitable?_

"YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO BE SO STUPID AS TO DIE!"

Remus's eyes flew open as his body let out a roar he hadn't been expecting. Pitching his body forward and gasping for air, hands white as they clasped onto the armrests for support, he tried force his heart rate to slow down, to forget what he almost remembered, what he had been trying to forget. He didn't want to remember, he wanted it to go away, to leave him alone –

_I can't leave you Moony, you know that._

**Leave me alone.**

His shoulders lowered slowly as he sucked in a shaky breath. His nerves were far too rattled for comfort.

_No, I won't leave you when you need me the most._

**You left me already.**

Why won't it go away...? His teeth grit in frustration. He may be tired of losing people, of suffering, of grief, but surely this was nothing new to him. His hands slipped up to the sides of his face and clutched at his hair, his head beginning to ache and spin. Why couldn't he just accept it? Why was it so hard this time?

And then his name, so tempting, so tantalizing to say, begged to be said, to be shouted, screamed -

"Sirius..." Remus whispered softly.

He hadn't said his name in days, weeks, maybe. As horrible as he knew it was, Remus didn't want to remember his friend, to have the pain rush back...he had had enough of that already.

_Moony, what - are you crying?_

**Leave me alone.**

_I told you already, I'm not leaving you. Now tell me what's wrong?_

**Let me forget you.**

His throat burned painfully as he swallowed the tears, so many years of practice coming to play. Not for the first time, he felt perhaps he should thank those who ensured his monstrous childhood; they taught him how to weep without sound, without tears.

And then, unexpectedly, something wet slipped down his cheek, something that hadn't happened since -

_Since James._

Remus's chest throbbed painfully, each heartbeat worsening the emotional condition he was in. "I'm alone now," he said in a quiet but firm voice, as if correcting a child. "Everyone is gone." He swallowed and his spirits fell along with another droplet. "Everything I touch dies.'

_That's not true._

**Look at me! **

There was a crash as a book hit the wall; hands tore at hair.

"I should be the one dead, not you! Not James! Not Lily!" Remus hissed, the hatred and loathing previously locked away in the darkness beginning to seep out of their cages again. He always blamed himself for everything.

_That wasn't your fault, it was-_

**Stop trying to comfort me, I don't deserve it.**

There was a deep silence that followed, once that weighed down on Remus's shoulders and caused him to hunch over in remorse, his young body made old by sorrows.

"Why...why can't you let up on me?" he moaned, speaking to nothing and everything. He buried his face into his hands once more. "Why must you keep punishing me? I know I'm damned already, you don't have to rub it in."

_Remus..._

**Why? Why did you have to leave me?**

His shoulders trembled as he choked back the urge to scream. "Why did you and James leave me?" Remus demanded, his voice breaking in the quiet.

**I'm alone now, I don't have anyone. My best friends are all dead.**

_Moony, we're right here with you. We never left you._

**Yes you did, you're gone, you've done exactly what I spent my entire adolescence warning you about and have gone and killed yourself -**

_Hey, hey, hey! Give me some credit here. I didn't kill myself – not on purpose, anyway - I just sort of...fell. If you're going to blame anyone, blame that hag of a woman I'm forced to call cousin._

Remus snorted despite himself. Even in his imagination, Sirius didn't like to admit to his faults and would never admit to family ties.

Wait, what was he saying? Here he was, talking to himself again...As if talking would fix anything now.

"Sirius..." Remus leaned back, hands still pressed against his eyes but his back arching to mold to the chair now. His heart felt fit to burst. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm _so_ sorry..."

_What is this? Why are you apologizing?_

"I shouldn't have suspected you for so long, I should have known you weren't guilty, I should have tried to help you..." His hands slid down and flopped on either side of the armchair, his body rapidly losing energy. His clothing caught a little on the leather of the chair as he closed in on himself, his forehead closing in on his knees.

_Hey, don't beat yourself up about that. We forgave each other a long time ago._

Remus swallowed hard. "I should have saved you, jumped in front of that spell, distracted her, pushed you, _something..."_

_That wasn't your fault either; there was nothing you could do._

"I shouldn't have just watched you die."

Sirius stopped answering him; or rather, the voice in his head claiming to Sirius stopped answering him. And for the first time in a long time, he wept, allowed a few tears to escape his eyes as tremors ran through his body. And it hurt - every rare tear burned him like a brand, their trails stinging on his cheeks and leaving his skin stiff – but he couldn't help himself. Twenty years of misery had heaped themselves onto his frame, and they were becoming a burden increasingly difficult to bear.

After a few minutes, he managed stop shaking, exhausted, drained; Remus took a few cleansing breaths to rid himself of the last of the treacherous wavering of resolve.

He had to get over this.

_Feel better?_

**Shut up.**

_Now, now, it takes a big man to cry like that._

**Don't mock me. You're just flattered that it was over you.**

_Yea, well..._

Remus smiled a little, imagining a grin threatening to creep across his old friend's face. Except the face in Remus's mind was younger, fresher, happier; the face of a seventeen year old Sirius, still glorious, still on the brink of his prime.

**Never one to take a compliment humbly.**

_You just didn't take 'em._

Remus sighed and wearily looked around for some sort of clock. He had been down here too long; someone would start to worry.

"Lupin!"

_See, I told you you weren't alone._

Remus rolled his eyes. "You always had to be right..."

_Yes, well, I AM Sirius Black, you know._

"Lupin!" Remus recognized the voice; it was Harry.

_Now get out of this room and live your life. I didn't die just so you could sit here pretending to talk to me._

Even his memory scolded him. Remus shook his head, trying to drive the voice out of his head.

"Fine, fine, fine..." he muttered in the same voice he would use as a teenager when forced to come along on yet another misadventure, outwardly unenthusiastic but inwardly indicating the feeling of being a little lighter than the second before in a very strange sort of way. Even now, he couldn't quite place it, but it was familiar.

And, most importantly, it didn't hurt; indeed, he almost welcomed it. It made him feel young again, if but for a moment.

"Lupin?" Harry entered the room, looking rather flustered as he leaned on the doorknob hesitantly.

"Yes, Harry?"

"Um...were you, er, talking to someone?" asked Harry, looking around the room.

Remus repressed a groan and instead tried to smile reassuringly at the son and godson of his best friends. It wasn't as difficult as he had expected it to be.

"Not anymore," he said as he used his arms to push himself out of the armchair in order to cross the room. "They left already."


End file.
